


Branjie Goes To Ulta and The Wig Shoppe and The Mall

by orphan_account



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Aquaria has a country accent, F/F, Five Finger Discount, Kameron but make it Carmen but make it Cabbage but make it Cahuenga Boulevard, Kleptomania, Makeup, Shoplifting, Shopping, Theft, and that squirrel hat? daaaamn sis, but her bob ross was SO intellectual tho, how come Jose always be sayin ooo miss kia bitch now, i don't like utica anymore, ooo miss kia, ooo miss kia bitch, these hoes are straight up kleptos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:21:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29979366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Branjie the power couple goes to Ulta! But uh oh, trouble arises when our fav queens are caught using the five finger discount! Then, they go to the wig shop and the mall to get up to more mischief.
Relationships: Brooke Lynn Hytes/Vanessa Vanjie Mateo
Kudos: 3





	Branjie Goes To Ulta and The Wig Shoppe and The Mall

**Author's Note:**

> i... i just searched 'kameron michaels nudes' on google a-and... I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO SUCK A DICK SO BAD IN MY LIFE NEVER I SWEAR also my therapist and i talked shit about Utica's squirrel hat we were like "SHE COULDVE WORN AN AFRO BOB WAS WHITE AND HE HAD AN AFRO SOOOO"
> 
> ALSO VANJIE AND BROOKE ARENT IN DRAG UNTIL THE VERY THEM SO JUST PICTURE THEM AS JOSE AND BROCK BUT I CALL THEM BROOKE N VANJIE BC EEUUUGHHHHH
> 
> oh my god also i'm begging my mom to get me a Brooke cameo for my birthday in... 8 months and i watched her thing and she was like "I DO IT ALL! BIRTHDAYS, BAR MITZVAHS, FUNERALS-" when this cunt said funerals bitch my phone flewwww i fuckin died bruh

"RISE AND SHIIIIIINE MY VAAAAANJEEEHHHHH!" Brooke swung open the drapery as she sung and Vanjie was startled awake.

"My babeh is awake!" Brooke ran over and littered Vanjie's face with kisses and Vanjie punched her in the face.

"Do dat again and you gon land in the fuckin hospital." Brooke rubbed her giant schnoz and Vanjie threw a pillow at her before changing, not bothering to wash her face or brush her tooth. (AAHADSFALFJ TOOTH I SAID TOOTH INSTEAD OF TEETH IMMA KEEP THAT IN) Brooke ended up brushing her tooth and washed her zit covered face and they headed to Ulta, not bothering to change out of their raggedy ass pajamas.

"Hi laides, welcome-HUUUUUHHHHHH!!!!!!" Vanjie and Brooke groaned when they saw Caramel Macchiato.

"Oh em gee oh em gee oh em geeeeee hi guys!!!!!" The buff weird girl said and ran over and hugged the maple syrup smelling drag queens.

"Hey, Chicken." Carerra smiled.

"Let me know if you two have any questions!" The girls ignored Camera and Brooke gasped.

"Oh no!" She exclaimed.

"What, bitch." Vanjie said, tone laced with annoyance irritation.

"I forgot to bring my wallet, eh!" Brooke cried and Vanjie rolled her eyes.

"We don't need money you dumb thot we got our hands." Brooke wiped away the tears on her cheeks and sniffled.

"But we don't have moneeehhhhhh," She whined in a super high pitched, annoying tone.

"Ooo miss Kia bitch, you really testin me child! We can s t e a l stuff!" Vanjie whispered steal that's why I wrote it like that.

"OH! Oh duh. I'm an idiot, eh." Vanjie nodded.

"That you are." They perused the store, grabbing literally everything they wanted and put it in Vanjie's giant Walmart tote! Once they'd got everything they wanted they left. But right as they stepped one foot out the door, the beepy thingies went crazy!!!

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" A big, booming voice said but it turned out to be Cracker!

"Oh hey guys, what's up?" Vanjie stayed cool while Brooke was shaking like a leaf.

"Ion know. We ain't take anything it just went off." Cracker nodded.

"I believe you, but can I see what's in your bag? You know, store protocol." Brooke was trying her hardest not to cry as big scawy Cwacker talked to them.

"Um, actually, ya can't." Cracker raised an eyebrow.

"And why's that?"

"OHMYGOD CRACKER JUST LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!" Camel yelled, startling the drag queens. Cracker looked suspiciously at the pair but sighed and went back to the backroom.

"Thanks, Cantaloupe, you saved our asses." Vanjie said and Canteloupe nodded.

"Anything for my two very best friends in the whole entire galaxy!! Now, let's get those sensors off of your goods. Chicken took them all off quickly and gave them all the cash in the register.

"Here you go, for you when you don't wanna get in trouble!" Vanjie took the cash and flipped through it. There was at least 1 thou there!

"Thank you, Cabbage." Cabbage smiled and waved as Brooke and Vanjie got in one of the cars Caramel got them (i forgot what cars she got them so imma just say car, k? k) and drove home.

-

"MISS KIA!!!! Miss Kia." Vanjie happily said as they opened up their over $5,000 worth of makeup and skin care. They could've gotten at least a year in prison but instead, they got all their goods PLUS another band!

"Shall weh start doing makeup?"

"Hmm.. oooo Kia I just got a really good idea!"

"What's that, eh?" Brooke asked wit dat accent.

"Less go to da wig shop then Dolls Kill. I'm finna get me a stripper outfit and some nice hyyaaaaiiirrrrr." (dolls kill is an online shop and pop up in sf and la in case ya didn't know) Brooke nodded.

"That's a good idehh!"

"Of course it is, I thought of it after all." The pair finally decided to brush their tooth, take a shower, change into clean clothes, and ate and headed out.

"Whehre first?" Brooke asked as she started the car.

"Wig shop." Vanjie said and Brooke skrrted off. When they got there, they parked in front and hopped out the whip.

"Hey ladiezzzz!" Aquaria said as they walked in.

"What up, bitch." Vanjie said as Brooke smiled and waved.

"What can I do ya for?" She asked in a quirky country accent.

"Uhh... gimme a 32 inch 130% density natural black 100% virgin Peruvian straight human hair full lace." Vanjie said and Aquaria got it for her.

"Try her on!" Vanjie put on a wig cap and put on the luscious wig, and flipped it around and did a death drop.

"WOOOOOO I'M READY TO GO! I'll take her." Aquaria nodded and put the luxurious hair bag into the box and turned to Brooke.

"Brooke?"

"Hm... may I please have a 14 inch 180% density platinum blonde Remy Brazillian 13x6 lace front, eh?" Aquaria smiled and nodded and handed Brooke the wig. She too put on a wig cap then put on the cute wig. 

"This is niiice, eh!" Brooke smiled and gave it back to Aquaria.

"Alright, your total will be $1,000 even." Vanjie handed her perfect change and Aquaria gave them the boxes in bags.

"Have a nice day, y'all, come back soon, ya hear!" The girls nodded and dove back into their car and headed to Dolls Kill which was down the street.

"Shit, Vanj!" Brooke said as the parked.

"Wut?"

"We don't have any money left!" Vanjie rolled her eyes and Brooke made an oh face.

"Five finger death punch, eh." Vanjie groaned.

"Five finger DISCOUNT, YOU INSUFFERABLE WRETCH!!!" Vanjie screamed.

"Oh yeh." They got out and went inside and were greeted by none other than,

"BRANJIEEEEE!!!!" Carrot hugged her best friends and kissed their cheeks.

"Oh hey, Carrot, wasn't you just at Ulta?" Vanjie asked and wiped Carrot's Christian Louboutin lipstick off of her cheek.

"I have ten jobs. I work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week! For the most part, teehee." Brooke rolled her eyes.

"Well we don't have any money left, can you help us out?" Keychain eagerly nodded.

"Of course! Buy whatever you want, here's my credit card." Cahuenga Boulevard handed them her shiny credit card and they nodded.

"Thanks." Vanjie and Brooke went crazy; they bought all the sluttiest, most prostitute looking clothes, shoes, and accessories they could find.

"Aight that'll be $4,206.9." Silky said and Vanjie handed her Kitchen's credit card. Silky swiped it and it went through and she printed out their loooooong reciept. They were left with 8 bags, so Carrera helped them.

"Bye guys, see ya later!" Vanjie and Brooke sped off and went home.

-

"Welcome to the stage, Vanessa Vanjie Mateooo!" Brooke said in an announcer voice and Vanjie came out wearing her new wig, a face full of makeup, black x shaped pasties, a fishnet bodysuit, a black vinyl skirt, and 10" black platform boots.

"Woot, woot! Vanjie in da house!" Brooke excitedly said and Vanjie strutted around the bedroom.

"BAM! MISS KIA BITCH! POW!" Vanjie screamed in her her charming voice and did a death drop as Brooke cheered and clapped.

"You look HOT!" Brooke said, fanning herself with her hand.

"I know." Vanjie said as she flipped her hair. Vanjie gave Brooke THAT look and Brooke knew what was gonna happen after she got out of drag. (They were gonna have sex.) Today was a great day!

**Author's Note:**

> i like wigs


End file.
